A Foreign Education
by Craig Alan Williamson
Following last Monday’s interview with Susan Crealock of Online Novels, we’re featuring one of the novels listed on her directory, an entertaining comedy which — yes! — you can download for free.
For your viewing pleasure, the first chapter has been reposted below, with the kind permission of the author. Just be warned: the story does contain some profanity.
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Chapter 1
I had never been more alone than at the top of those steps, yet my inner sense was one of total contentment. I turned to marvel at the view from my new home – a vast expanse of lush grass surrounded on all sides by buildings with matching red tile roofs and resplendent sandstone bricks. To my left was the arresting sight of the Rocky Mountain foothills. Their countless peaks were glowing orange from the intense rays of the late-August sun, providing stark contrast to the deep blue sky. The air was bubbling with the aroma of pine trees, while the only sound to be heard was the playful warble of finches in their branches.
It had taken years of hard work and careful planning to reach that day, and yet the past felt so much further away than a twelve-hour flight. Exactly what would the coming year have in store for me? More hard work? Undoubtedly. Good times? Certainly. Great friends? Absolutely. Promiscuous sex with a bevy of hot, young American girls? I could only hope so.
Removing my sunglasses as I entered the dark building, my eyes slowly adjusted to the cavernous reception area with a carefully aligned row of ten or more tables. Behind those tables sat a similarly well-ordered line of girls, each with a beaming beauty-queen smile full of brilliant white teeth that had my pupils constricting once more. Through the glare I could see one other person bravely approaching the lion’s den and decided to head for the table next to his. Safety in numbers seemed to be the order of the day, as I saw every single bleached row of fangs follow me while I struggled with my suitcases.
‘James Arriaga,’ I overheard the other guy say to his designated set of gnashers. Before I could hear his reception, I was hit by the shockwave of my very own greeting.
‘Welcome to the University of Colorado, and welcome to Cheyenne Arapaho hall!’ My set of teeth definitely had a set of lungs on her too. She also spoke in the kind of ear-bleed inducing accent I had naively hoped to never encounter.
‘Hi, I’m Ross Cooper,’ I replied, once the ringing in my ears subsided.
‘Oh my gosh! You have the sweetest accent! Where on earth are you from?’
‘I’m from England.’
‘No way,’ was the deafening response.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so.’ I strained a smile whilst praying that a busload of fellow new students hadn’t just walked through the door behind me to witness the humiliation.
‘OH MY GOSH,’ she beamed. I saw her eyes peer over my shoulder, and soon became aware that a busload of fellow new students had just walked through the door behind me to witness the humiliation. ‘I’ve never met anyone from another country before! This is amazing! Do you even have electricity in England?’
Did she really just ask if we had electricity? Could I have mistaken her accent? I quickly tried to think of other words that could sound the same, but drew a blank. Nevertheless, I thought I had better give her the benefit of the doubt.
‘No, we don’t,’ I hesitantly offered.
‘Wow, this must be really weird for you then, even just being in here with all these light bulbs!’
Oh my gosh, she really did say electricity. I had to think quickly to follow that one up.
‘Ah, I’d been wondering what you called those tiny candles in the glass balls,’ was all I could manage.
‘Well, let’s get you fixed up with your room then, Ross.’
She began to work through her paperwork and then retreated to the back of the room to recover some more documents. The guy who had been next to me throughout the whole embarrassing affair turned to introduce himself.
‘Hi, I’m James. Pleased to meet you.’
‘Hi, yes I overheard your name earlier. I’m Ross, pleased to meet you.’
‘I overheard your name too, and the rest of it! Welcome to America, Ross – the land of the free, and the home of the ignorant. Don’t worry though, we’re not all like that.’
‘That’s good to know. So where are you from?’
‘Blackfoot, Idaho. I drove down today.’
‘You drove? How far is that?’
‘Oh, only about seven hundred miles, and I did set off pretty early this morning.’
‘Shit, I’d think twice about a two-hundred-mile drive back home.’
‘Ah, you’ll get used to it soon enough. Everything over here is so spread out, so I guess long journeys are pretty normal.’
Our conversation was interrupted by James’ allotted assemblage of pearly-whites.
‘So, there are your keys, and here are details of your roommates. Neither has checked in yet, so you’ll have the place to yourself. Chance to grab the best bed!’
‘Thanks,’ said James. He took the keys and looked over the roommate sheet he had been given.
‘Nice to meet you, James,’ I added before he left the desk. ‘Hopefully I’ll see you around.’
‘Yes, good to meet you too, Ross,’ he grinned while walking off to his room. ‘I’ll be sure to save the second best bed for you!’
My first lesson in UK-US language differences was a harsh one. Having been told my room was on the first floor, I laboured up the stairs with my two large cases and rucksack only to realise that my room number was nowhere to be seen and the corridors were, in fact, women only. A few more sensible and quieter comments about my accent from a particularly attractive lady lightened my mood, however, as she explained that ‘first floor’ actually meant ground floor. As much as I wanted to continue enjoying her company, I eventually stumbled back down the stairs and found the door to room 186.
‘I thought I was gonna have to start on this without you,’ said James, waiting for me with an impossibly large bottle of whisky and two paper cups.
‘Yes, just a bit of confusion about which floor our room was on. Not to worry though, I did manage to have a brief sightseeing tour with an incredible girl in the hall above us.’
‘Well, that definitely deserves a drink then.’
James poured as I brought my cases into the room. It seemed that we had a much bigger space than those I had briefly glimpsed upstairs, which had two desks and two beds in the same room. Ours was one of the few triple rooms, with a study area containing three desks in a U-shape and then a separate bedroom off to the right with a single bed, a bunk bed, and wardrobes. We were at the very front corner of the building and had a terrific view of the playing fields and the Rocky Mountains. As I took my belongings through to the bedroom, I could see that James’ bag was already on the single bed.
‘So,’ I gestured towards the bunk bed, ‘I have to decide whether I prefer being on top?’
James laughed. ‘I thought you Brits were supposed to be reserved?’
‘You’re right, of course I should go on top – anything else would just be too kinky.’
‘Dude, settle down,’ he exclaimed while passing me a cup.
‘So, where are all your suitcases?’ I asked, noting that there was only one small holdall on his bed.
‘They’re still in the car. Do you mind giving me a little help bringing them up?’
‘Not a problem,’ I replied, downing the cup of foul liquid in a single, ill-advised mouthful.
‘Well, at least the stereotype of you guys being heavy drinkers is right then.’
‘You’re just lucky I’m English and not Scottish.’
We headed back down the hall and through the reception area where the crowd of new students was subsiding. As we passed the tables, James motioned towards the dental technicians.
‘Hey, Ross, maybe you could score a date with that girl this time?’
I hadn’t really paid much attention to her looks during what would become known as the ‘electricity incident’, but this time I did notice that she was, in fact, rather facially challenged.
‘Maybe after that bottle of yours has been emptied,’ I offered rather callously. ‘I suppose I could always ask her to keep the lights off. You know, because I’m a bit freaked out by the glass candles?’
‘Yeah, you might be onto a winner there.’
My pace quickened and we walked back out into the sunshine and down the steps towards James’ car. It was a red Ford Mustang that looked a little past its best, but nevertheless appeared to be his pride and joy.
‘So, what do you think?’ he asked expectantly.
‘You drove seven hundred miles in this?’ was not the kind of response he had probably anticipated.
‘Hey, this is American engineering at its finest.’
‘If that’s the case, then I think your engineering industry might have a problem. Just open the boot and let’s get your things out.’
‘Just open the what?’
It took me a moment to think back through the phrases I had absorbed through many years spent watching American movies and sitcoms.
‘Oh, sorry, the trunk.’
‘Boot? And you say that we have problems.’
James removed the bags, and we began to make our way back inside.
‘So I presume this is your first year here?’ I asked.
‘Yeah, it’s my freshman year. I’m majoring in Engineering.’
‘Oh, cool. Maybe you could work for Ford?’
‘Yes, maybe,’ was the ironic retort. ‘So how about you?’
‘Well, this is my second year – I’m doing a Physics degree back in the UK, but the course includes a year abroad.’
‘That’s awesome. I’d love to do something like that with a year in the Basque country.’
‘The Basque country?’
‘Yeah, it’s a part of Spain where my family are originally from.’
‘So you speak Spanish then?’
‘Sí! My first name was actually Jakome, but it got changed to the English version when I was young. My friends actually call me Jak.’
‘Oh right then, Jak it is.’
‘So what made you come here to Boulder for your year abroad?’
‘Well, I’ve always fancied living in America and, of the choices I had, this seemed to be the best location. I’ve only been here for less than an hour, but already I just love the atmosphere and the views – both of natural beauty and natural-looking beauties.’
‘Yeah, I must admit I’ve been impressed on that front too. So I guess you don’t have a girlfriend back in Britain then?’
I hesitated. ‘Er, I’m not really sure.’
‘You’re not sure if you have a girlfriend? What’s wrong with you, man?’
‘It’s kind of complicated. I mean, there is a girl, but we were only together for a few months before I left, and then we didn’t really talk about what would happen when I came here.’
‘So you just left her for a year without figuring out if you were staying together or breaking up?’ It did seem rather strange when put in those terms.
‘I suppose so, yes.’
‘Man, that’s crazy. If I had a girlfriend, I’d be flying back every weekend for some action.’
I clumsily changed the subject. ‘So I wonder when our other roommate will arrive?’
‘Yeah, what’s his name, Todd Johnson? Well, it says he’s from Colorado, so maybe he’ll stroll in pretty soon.’
We arrived back at the room and proceeded to unpack our luggage while chatting some more and slowly working our way through the whisky. It seemed like Jak and I had much in common and it was a relief to have a kindred spirit as a roommate. We were actually both fairly similar in appearance – around five feet ten inches tall, short brown hair, not strikingly ugly, not strikingly handsome. We seemed to enjoy the same sense of humour and liked to talk about women – perhaps a little too much. At the age of nineteen, though, I think we could be excused.
The mysterious Todd Johnson didn’t arrive that night, but it turned out that our entire corridor of around fifteen or so rooms was pretty quiet. It was only Friday though, so we assumed that Todd and everyone else would turn up over the weekend ready for lectures starting on Monday.
The remainder of the day soon passed, and we were both ready for bed around midnight. With the slightly misguided combination of jet lag and cheap liquor in my system, it wasn’t long before I fell fast asleep.
Waking the next day in the heady heights of the top bunk, my pounding head was a rude introduction to life in Boulder with its elevation of over 5,000 feet. I had read the advice about drinking plenty of water and not too much alcohol, and was thankful that the ‘I told you so’ comments of my mother were thousands of miles away. Jak seemed to be suffering similarly, as I heard a groan from his direction. I moved to the edge of my bunk and looked down towards his twisted figure against the opposite wall of the room in his single bed.
‘Morning, Jak.’
‘Ohhhhhh, morning dude,’ he croaked back at me.
‘This altitude’s a bit of a pain, isn’t it?’
‘Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.’ He began to sit upright and cradle his head delicately in his palms. ‘I’m used to the altitude, but just not that much alcohol.’
‘I didn’t think we drank that much?’
‘Maybe not much for an Englishman, Ross.’
He began to open his eyes with a look of excruciating pain cast across his face, and then gingerly craned his neck towards me. His expression of near-death was quickly exchanged by one of utter shock.
‘HOLY FUCK! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?’ he yelled as his body involuntarily bolted upright.
‘Well, that’s not really the reaction I look for first thing in the morning,’ I replied, somewhat bemused.
A third voice suddenly burst forth. ‘Ah, hello! My name Kazuki Mori! I your roommate!’
I quickly swung my head down to look at the bunk beneath me. I now also yelled, ‘HOLY FUCK,’ as I saw a portly and naked Japanese man spread-eagle on top of the bed. He was proudly displaying an erection of, it must be said, quite magnificent proportions. ‘Where’s Todd Johnson? Did you eat him?’
‘Todd is dead, so I here!’ Kazuki said with an unnerving ear-to-ear grin.
‘Did you fuck him to death?’ Jak helpfully contributed.
‘Good morning, day is wonderful outside!’ was the innocent response.
Jak looked at me with an expression that said “You jump on him while I fetch my Swiss Army knife”. I silently replied back with a glare that translated to “No, you fucking jump on him”. Diplomacy now appeared to be our only hope. It was time to demonstrate some of that levelheaded spirit that we English are renowned for the world over. I looked our intruder straight in the eye – well, it was difficult not to – then looked him straight in the eyes and took a deep breath.
‘Now, listen to me and listen carefully. First off, we are both rampantly heterosexual, so you’ll have no joy with that thing in here. You might as well put it away before you have someone’s eye out. Secondly, the police will be looking for you by now, so the best thing you can do is leave here and turn yourself in. Oh, but pop some clothes on first, there’s a good chap.’
‘I from Japan!’ wasn’t the answer I had expected.
‘Look, buddy,’ Jak now joined in, ‘just get the fuck out of our room, NOW!’
‘My name Kazuki Mori!’
The tension was at its peak. Our nerves were frayed and our arseholes were twitching with grim expectation. My heart skipped a beat as our room phone suddenly began to sound its bells of hope. Jak’s eyes met with mine, and we tacitly acknowledged that it could be our last chance. With the phone situated evenly between the bunk and the single bed, Jak would have to be quick to beat this ruthless, naked, erect killer. He sprung out of his bed and picked up the receiver in one hurried manoeuvre. Kazuki sat motionless. Perhaps he had lost his nerve?
‘Quick,’ Jak implored down the phone, ‘there’s a Japanese guy in our room, and he’s big…VERY big…what?’ There was a foreboding pause. ‘You mean? Oh my god!’ Jak put down the phone with a calm look of resignation. Perhaps it had been Kazuki’s accomplice, telling Jak that the room was now sealed along with our eye-watering fate.
‘What, what, WHAT?’ I asked of Jak.
‘That was reception. Apparently Todd Johnson died a couple of months ago, and we should expect a Japanese exchange student called Kazuki in his place.’
‘My name Kazuki!’ came the enthusiastic response from our new roommate.
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